If you struggle to get out of your head and in the mood, you may find yourself asking, “Am I actually good at sex?” In fact, I personally feel like we’ve all had that panic-stricken, insecure moment when thinking about our sexual prowess, even those who seem confident in their sultry skills.

Asking if you’re good at sex will go over about as well as telling a bad joke. If you have to ask (or explain the joke) then it’s probably not very good. But there are ways to tell if your partner is having a good time without making it awkward that you will discover below. But first, let’s dive into the most important part of bedroom self-esteem.

The key to confidence: you can’t plan out exactly what you want to happen. While we love sharing pointers, you can’t map out exactly what’s going to happen for the entire wild ride. It’s hard to do, but you have to let go and let whatever happens next happen naturally. 

There’s no solid answer for getting the best experience possible in the bedroom, but we have answers that can get you close. Here’s a master class in three sexy secrets that can give you the grace of a sexual goddess in the bedroom.

Communication

The secret to all good relationships, talking with your partner is a great way to know exactly what they want. And I mean… exactly. Straight up ask them what they like in bed! Tell them what you like in bed. If you want to experiment with different positions, show them what you have in mind and make sure they’re comfortable with it. When trying anything new, get consent and make sure you’re both aware of what it will entail.

Be direct. Don’t jump around and be coy about what you want. The best way to experience pleasure is to tell them what pleases you. If you don’t know, let them know. Communication doesn’t stop once you’re enjoying sex. If you like what they’re doing , tell them to keep going. Let them know if they’re going too fast or too hard, tell them it’s too much. If you let them fly blind down there, they may just crash and burn. 

Foreplay

Sex doesn’t start in the bedroom, especially for women. Let’s be real, most women don’t orgasm just from penetrative sex. Setting the mood is the most important solution to getting in the mood. Take a luxurious bath with your favorite scent. Put on some lingerie that makes you feel sexy and confident. Dim the lights and light a candle to signal it’s time to slow down… and get down.

Once you and your partner are getting down to business, don’t just jump into action. Teasingly take off each other’s clothes, whisper what you want to do to them, or take it farther and give a sensual massage. Pay attention to the way they react to your touch and make changes based on their response. 

Nonverbal

Verbal communication is extremely important with sex, but also pay attention to what they’re saying without words. Are they moaning? Are their toes curling? Are they looking at the TV you forgot to turn off? These are all cues that let you know whether to keep going or just move on. 

The biggest part of nonverbal cues is being attentive to your partner. Focus on them and their pleasure. You’ll get a vote of confidence from them if you go all in on giving them the best experience. Plus, it’s a thrill to see your partner getting hot and heavy. Just keep the good vibes going!

Getting out of your head and into bed can be a challenge for most people. But keep the above tips in mind to have an out-of-this-world experience. Still having trouble keeping your insecure thoughts from blasting through? Practice mindfulness exercises, like affirmations, to give yourself some self-love.

Tori Tromblay

Tori Tromblay

Special Projects Producer
Tori Tromblay (she/her/hers) is a book enthuisiast, cat lover, and Cincinnati native. She graduated from Ohio University with a degree in journalism. After traveling to New York, D.C., London, and Tulsa, she settled back home, where she lives with her husband and two cats. She has worked for Pure Romance for two years and loves to learn and teach about sex education.