Many people wonder if they are pleasing their partner when it comes to oral sex. There is a lot of information online regarding what makes for good head, but the information changes based on the creator. Do you use fruit, vibrators, or other items to make oral sex good? Hands or no hands? So many questions and so many answers. Here are some simple practices to help build your confidence in the oral sex game. Although we will be focusing on penises, these techniques can be used on the clitoris as well.

First things first: lubrication is key. Don’t be afraid to be generous! Lubrication helps the motion feel smooth and increases pleasure. It also can help your hands and fingers while giving your mouth a break. It’s always nice to have a lubricant on deck. Flavored lubricants can increase saliva and make tastes more pleasant for the performer. Keep in mind, not all flavors and lubricants are safe on the vulva, however, so make sure you check the ingredients and use products that minimize the risk of infection.

Breath may sound like a strange recommendation, but it’s one of the most important aspects to any physical activity. Pay attention to your inhale and exhale, especially if you are trying to do activities such as deep throating. Having control of your breath helps you control over your stamina and depth while giving oral sex. Holding your breath will tire you out and decrease your ability to maintain saliva and rhythm. Practicing Kundalini and other forms of yogic breaths can definitely increase your head game.

A nice flow and pace helps keep you relaxed. Some people play music or silently sing songs to help them maintain a rhythm. I learned from my music teacher that we all have rhythm based on the beat of our heart, so creating a motion that maintains a tempo really helps. Just like with an instrument, practice makes perfect. Don’t be afraid to practice on a willing partner.

Creativity and Variety
Once you have your tempo, don’t be afraid to create variety. Use your tongue and hands. Try various types of pressure and suction so that the body and mind don’t get bored with one movement. Variety keeps eroticism flowing. If you feel inspired to incorporate fruits and other edibles, keep in mind that penises have a lot of flexibility in this area, but vulvas have some limitations. Sugary items can harm the pH balance on many vulvas, so use caution in incorporating edibles. For vulvas, I recommend incorporating vibrators and other toys. Vibrators can be a great addition for penises too. The tip of the penis and clitoris are very sensitive spots, but don’t forget about the rest of the vulva, shaft, and testicles. They all enjoy attention. Try different environments. Maybe surprise your partner outside of the bedroom. Use your imagination!

Sounds and Eye Contact
People like to feel desired. Moaning and making occasional eye contact can help someone feel connected to the experience. Don’t be afraid to tell someone that you like their taste or smell. Compliments while giving head can increase confidence and comfort of the receiver. Even if your rhythm is off, giving subtle gazes and noises can make someone feel like a million bucks.

Have Fun
Most people want to feel like their partner is enjoying themselves. There is nothing worse than receiving oral sex from someone who doesn’t really want to give it. Showing enthusiasm and enjoying your partner’s presence intensifies the experience for everyone involved.

Lastly, I cannot emphasize the importance of communication. Everyone likes different things, and what turns one person on can be the very thing that turns the next off. Feel free to ask prior, during, and after what your partner enjoys and what they would like for you to keep doing. The conversation is forever evolving. Again, have fun and find pleasure pleasuring your partner.

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Renée Burwell

Renée Burwell

LCSW, MPA, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist
Renée Burwell, LCSW, MPA, CST is a skilled psychotherapist and educator with specializations in sex therapy and trauma. Her practice, Pandora's Awakening, offers services and educational outreach that help destigmatize mental and sexual health services. She is a skilled facilitator offering trainings and workshops to healthcare and social services professionals on mental health, sexual health, and reproductive justice. In addition to her work at Pandora's Awakening, she is also the executive director of the Tennessee Alliance of Sexual Health, AASECT’s Mid-Continent Representative, an active member of the Association of Black Sexologist, and is a writer and educator for various mediums including Bedroom Kandi and CNN.

She holds a Bachelor’s of Arts in Psychology from Spelman College, a Master of Social Work and Master of Public Administration from the University of Southern California, a Post Graduate Certificate in Sex Therapy and Education from the University of Michigan, and is AASECT certified as a sex therapist.