I envy the people who can recall with exquisite detail the sensations, smells, and sounds of their sexcapades. Not only because it’s a delicious talent but also because it means they can more easily reflect on what rocked their world and what might not be worth doing again. It’s a useful skill as you seek to nurture and develop your personal and shared sexual experiences. But if you’re like me, and the details become fuzzy pretty quickly and opportunities for learning, or even relishing, the memories wisp away like a dream, you might want to consider creating (or buying) a sex journal!
Disclaimer
A sex journal offers an opportunity to develop burgeoning skills, explore, and seek to create more satisfying sexual experiences. There is no competency test waiting for you to prove your worth. No matter what, you’ll have days with better or worse connection, higher or lower arousal, or more or less embodiment. We aren’t meant to be perfect. Creating unrealistic expectations or goals around your sex life can distract you from enjoying yourself in the now.
I recommend using a sex journal as an opportunity to learn, reflect, and grow, as well as to communicate with partners. It’s not an additional tool to shame yourself or others. This can be a thin line, so treat yourself & your partners with care.
Post-Sexual Session Questions
Like a dream, details can get fuzzier and fuzzier the further away from an event you are. The following are a few of the questions I suggest to clients that are trying to remember, and learn from, their sexual experiences. However, you can create your own questions or free-write by jotting down anything that comes to mind without any specific prompts.
- Who was involved? Was this:
- solo play
- with one partner
- with multiple partners
- When/how did you start feeling aroused (if at any point)?
- What, if anything, did you enjoy the most about this experience?
- What, if anything, did you not enjoy about this experience?
- What would you have liked more (or less) of?
- What were your biggest turn-ons/offs?
- What is something you’d like to remember or highlight?
When writing about a session that involved others, invite them to answer the questions, too. Depending on the experience, it can feel challenging to communicate what you did and didn’t like due to shame or concern about one another’s feelings. However, if you are likely to get sexy with each other again, practicing communication will support multiple aspects of your relationship(s).
Sexual Development Questions
Perhaps you are looking to go on more of a sexual journey experience than creating a play-by-play memory book. The following five questions are examples of places to start:
- What is your earliest memory of experiencing arousal or sexual attraction? What about the situation feels memorable?
- How do you define sexual satisfaction and sexual pleasure? What would experiencing these look like for you?
- When do you feel most sexy or attractive?
- What about others do you find attractive?
- Map out a sexual fantasy for yourself as if you were an erotica author. Make sure to set the scene, including location, who is involved, and how the experience unfolds.
Where you can find a sex journal
You can, of course, make your own. But if you like the idea of using an existing journal, below are three examples of ones that cover different types of sex journaling needs!
A Sex Journal for Couples by Levina Li and Caleb Spaulding
This journal is for couples to use after sex. It’s set up with pages that can be folded or creased offering each person privacy after writing until you decide to share with one another.
Available through a few distributors currently
The Sex Planner
This planner offers weekly sex positions, holidays you can celebrate, intimacy ideas, date night ideas, topics to get you and a partner talking, and more!
The Sexual Being Journal by Lilly Perry @sexedsunday
This journal is meant to support you in your sexual self-journey. It offers prompts with questions that will support you in identifying beliefs, experiences, and desires across your sexual life development.
