Most people are kinky in some way – and there’s not a damn thing wrong with that. If this is your first time delving into the more flavorful side of sex, being in the know goes a long way when it comes to exploring new sexual experiences. Because sometimes kink or BDSM is more than just shopping for and trying out a creative new sex toy with a partner. It’s about creating novel experiences that are satisfying on both mental and physical levels.
So, let’s get to it!
What is kink?
When you hear kink, you might think of BDSM and/or 50 Shades. No shame if the series got you curious, just know it’s rife with inaccurate and unsafe BDSM stuff. But “kink” is really more of an umbrella term that covers consensual, subcultural sexual experiences i.e., roleplay, BDSM, fetish play to name a few. It also covers the people that like them i.e., swingers, kinksters, alt folks, etc.
Get Curious
Just knowing about kink is one thing. Discovering what shape it takes in your life is another. While there’s a variety of good ways to get into the mindset of this partners-centric realm, you still need to think about numero uno.
How do I figure out what I’m into?
If you’re here reading, you might’ve stumbled across kink in any number of ways – porn, erotica, smutty fanfics, your own sexual experiments, social media, stories from friends, etc. But even if you’ve brushed up against kink in all the above ways, you still might feel you need more of a foundation. Our suggestion is a Yes/No/Maybe List. For the lowdown on those, pop over to our blog here!
How do I try out something on my list?
If it’s just you and you’re raring to go, try erotica or porn featuring things you’ve noted as interesting on your Yes/No/Maybe List. If you’re in a relationship with someone you trust, try asking them to help you explore next time the two of you have some alone time. Our article on introing kink to a partner can help.
So, what’s next after you do a little experimenting? It’s time for terms!
Get Schooled
There’s a lot to know when it comes to kink. We’d be here all day trying to define every term, but let’s cover some basics.
Note, don’t worry about committing all these terms to memory. As with any new lifestyle, you’ll learn as you go. Plenty of specifics and terms may or may not end up applicable to your own kinky adventures.
“BDSM” is a special acronym with some overlap that stands for bondage and discipline (B&D, BD, or B/D), domination and submission (D&s, Ds, or D/s), sadism and masochism (S&M, SM, or S/M). BDSM often calls to mind power dynamics and/or experimentation where partners play with mental and/or physical control of each other. For example, one partner gives verbal commands another is expected to listen to etc.
Basic Terms
A scene aka a kinky session is typically an act between partners that takes place at an agreed upon time and location. Most scenes/sessions happen behind closed doors as, in most areas of the world, public sexual activity in inappropriate spaces can get you arrested. There are some places where play is allowed and even encouraged, however! More on that in a sec.
Top, Bottom, Switch, Dominant & Submissive. In general, the top or dominant is the partner that performs and/or directs what’s going on. The bottom or submissive is the partner that receives or carries out directions given. A switch is someone comfortable changing between the two roles.
A lot of the terms here are often abbreviated, with some preferring “sub” and “dom” (“dome,” “dominatrix,” or “mistress,” etc. for those of the feminine persuasion.)
Interestingly, top and dominant as well as bottom and submissive are not necessarily interchangeable. Some folks tend to use one or the other set of terms based on their own preferences and/or for greater clarity which is where terms like If you’ve already found which side of the dom/sub coin you’re on, you might find it helpful to look into expanded terms like these to see if one or another helps you. Checking out resources online or in person can help! More on areas to chat later.
More Education
Some kinks and/or fetishes are more common than you think. Glamour’s got an amazing A to Z here, but know that list doesn’t cover it all. At the end of the day, a kink and/or fetish is something you find arousing and that can be just about anything.
If you’re up to speed on terminology and want to get into the heart of things, Anton Fulmen’s book is the best place to start when it comes to building your kinky new sex life. It’s highly informative, inclusive, and great no matter what side of the D/s coin you want to explore – dom/top types will learn what to do and why, while sub/bottom types can benefit from knowing what to look for in an ideal partner.
You played around a bit, you’ve learned some new concepts. Ready to take a big step towards fulfilling all those fun fantasies? Let’s get into the details.
Get Out There
Where do I start?
With people! If you’re fortunate enough to have an adventurous partner or people in your life that can help you explore, congrats! But some of us swing other ways. Maybe your partner’s not into the BDSM scene but greenlit some escapades with others. Maybe you like to have lots of flavors so different partners is the name of the game. No matter what your situation’s like, you gotta get out there!
Online
One word: FetLife. It’s about to be your new favorite social spot. The “Fet” part, of course, is a nod to the word “fetish” and the site describes itself as “like Facebook, but run by kinksters like you and me.” Create a profile for yourself on the site and please please check out the awesome guide here so you can set yourself up for an even more awesome experience.
In-Person
Munches & Sloshes
These are both social events for kinky peeps, with sloshes involving alcohol and so the former might be hosted at a bar, while the latter could be even more casual locations like restaurants or cafes.
With both, the idea is to create space for likeminded folks to meet and get to know each other. Public spaces are the venues of choice for these events (so maybe don’t show up in head-to-toe latex fetishwear…) and the focus is social vs sexy activities.
As a BDSM beginner, these events are the best way to connect with other folks in a setting that’s chill.
Events
Conventions, expos, and larger events are an intersection of entertainment and education. They vary but some things you might see are vendors with items for sale, live shows and/or demonstrations, adult films, and play parties. (More on that next.)
Some events are local while others might be in big cities. Some might be small with only a few hundred people while others might have thousands of attendees! These events are all a little different so grab your phone or laptop and be prepared to do a little browsing.
Play Parties
First things first, the best way to find out about these is by hitting up FetLife’s event listings. Play parties are typically hosted in private venues, homes, sometimes dungeons and are all about atmosphere. Sex dungeons can sound (and be!) a little intimidating so it’s okay to hold off on that.
So, it’s just an orgy right? Not exactly. While that can be a thing, play parties are atmospheric. It’s all about feeling the vibes and letting your desires lead (consensually, of course.) Kinksters, voyeurs, exhibitionists, and beginners can all be found sexually interacting in whatever way they find comfortable.
Like any party, your experience is what you want it to be. You can get it on with an interesting stranger, take a partner and have fun together, go alone and mingle, or simply watch others play – whatever you like!
Just a couple tips!
1) Find out more about the party before you go. Some have themes, some have strict dress codes, etc.
2) Ask about safety precautions. Some parties use volunteers to help foster a safe environment by keeping an eye on things and making sure everyone’s playing by any rules.
3) Be polite. If you find yourself wanting to join in on a scene or play with a stranger that’s making eyes at you, approach and simply ask if you can partake. Consent is always important.
Get Going
As we wrap up this journey into the world of BDSM for beginners, I hope you’ve gained some insight into the lifestyle and feel ready to give it a go! BDSM is all about finding what resonates with you and embracing it authentically – so be self-aware, compassionate, and open-minded. Take your time, ask questions, and ask experienced folks for advice. This is a community known for its inclusivity and support, and there’s no end to the number of resources available to help you along the way!
There’s no right or wrong way to navigate this realm. As long as it’s consensual, safe, and pleasurable for everyone, it can be a deeply fulfilling exploration of human connection and intimacy. Whether you’re a dom type, a sub type, or something in between, I hope your foray into BDSM is one of growth, empowerment, and unforgettable experiences.
